Quasi-Evil

Posts Tagged ‘depression’

I demand pink fairies!

I spoke too soon about my mind-bending drugs. I suspect it wasn’t the drugs that gave me a lift but rather having a doctor recognise that there’s something wrong with me. So whilst the first two nights of the happy pills were filled with hours of (somewhat broken but still wonderful) sleep, complete with wacked out dreams that left me confused about reality in the morning, the night after that I got no sleep at all. That pattern continued with two more nights of dreaming about what should apparently have been pink fairies followed by nightmarish insomnia.

Tomorrow I’m back at the doc’s so we shall see what he suggests. If he says to stick with the pills then I will but given that the main benefit of these pills was their ability to knock me out, I suspect there could be a new prescription afoot. So that’s another £6.95. This better not be a weekly thing, I could be spending that money on chocolate and ice cream.

But then, that’d ruin the diet which (despite the two bars of chocolate in the last week) is going reasonably well. The number on the scales has fallen a little and despite the fact it takes be ten sodding minutes to get the bloody things to turn on, I’m not particularly scared about stepping on them.

And of course, all that time spent awake means I’ve got a few things done round the flat. Bizarrely, I’m more motivated and less depressed when I’m awake at 4am that when I’ve slept like a normal person. I’m obviously built to be nocturnal.

First there was Christmas

I spent Christmas at my boyfriend’s, watched lots of TV, visited his friends (who are all lovely) and did a whole lot of driving. Then there was the post-Christmas, pre-New Year period during which I was still at my boyfriend’s watching TV and visiting his friends but also some of my friends. And once again, there was much driving. Then there was New Year’s Eve in Driffield where I was not proposed to and we watched the London fireworks on TV - something I’ve not done before and now I wish I’d actually been there because they looked awesome.

After that, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. It’s been a long time coming and I’d been trying to deny it but I haven’t really been coping very well for the past few months. After the hustle and bustle of the holidays I was worn out and just sort of stopped fighting it. So depression hit and it hit hard. I managed to breakdown in front of my mother (something I’m loathe to do) so she stayed with me for an entire week helping. And she did help, and I probably couldn’t have coped as well without her there but too much of your own mother isn’t great for your mental health either.

On Thursday I went to the doctor and much to my relief, he confirmed that I was ‘very depressed’ and put me on some old school anti-depressants (as oppose to the new school ones which take 2-4 weeks to work but are less addictive). So now I’m actually getting to sleep at night and having weird hallucinogenic dreams. It’s a bit like being on acid or something equally trippy, no wonder they’re addictive. I’m still not ‘fixed’ and I probably never will be but the drugs are helping and I acually feel like a human being again.

I’m not looking forward to university on Monday though. I can barely make myself talk to the check-out girl at the supermarket so I don’t know how the hell I’m going to cope with that number of people. Just thinking about it makes me feel ill. Let’s hope that a couple more days of the trippy meds can psych me up for it.